“When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.” -Winston Churchill
Most customers who are jerks tend to be drunk, uneducated, ignorant, and intolerant. They’re loudmouthed, insulting, and any self-respecting establishment cuts them off or kicks them out as soon as they cross the line or make people feel unsafe. Then there are more polished, calculating, and intelligent jackasses we have to deal with. You can occasionally reason with them, you can threaten to refuse service, but the highest form of resistance is beating them at their own game.
***
Bryon was managing at one of his bars more than five years ago. It was mid-afternoon and the place was generally dead… accept for a table of five, old German men. I don’t remember all their occupations but they were well read, cultured, and extremely intelligent (and they knew it). The worst of them was a lawyer, who acted as the “self-appointed” alpha male, who led their efforts to be overly demanding and belittle the staff. They were confident and clever enough to always walk right up to the line with their snotty, insolent behaviour, but never crossed it blatantly enough to justify being cut off or booted.
They came in every week at the same time, tipped poorly, and made some of the waitresses cry. I’m glad I never dealt with them because at that point in my career I’d dropped the appeasing part of my bar doctrine and there would’ve been an unpleasant confrontation. Thankfully Bryon handled them because he was an expert at talking to everyone and knew how to handle every type of toxic individual. Whereas I would have stared them down at every insult and establish deterrence early on, he conversed with the group easily, often charming them, until they lowered their guard which let Bry deliver devastating counterattacks.
Bryon called them the ‘Good Germans,’ after the insincere nickname allied soldiers gave all the adult Germans after World War II who claimed they never supported the Nazis. It was fitting given the group’s arrogance and excessive pride in being German. “I’m a proud German,” the lawyer would sometimes say, often after making disparaging comments about non-aryan groups. I guess some people never learn from history… even after their fatherland lost two global wars.
To be fair, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being proud of your country, and don’t believe Germans (especially those born after 1945), should be ashamed for the sins of their fathers and mothers. But had I been there I would’ve been tempted to ask the lawyer: “Really, like proud about everything? Even the events of 1914-18… of 1939-1945, or the Franco-Prussian War and the Namibian genocide?” Because not only did Germany also have a colonial empire but it executed the first genocide of the 20th Century. Forgive my rant… I’m just a simple, former washed up bartender with a history degree.
But Bryon was far too subtle and professional to resort to such brute force tactics. Instead, he fought the old Germans fact by fact, and argument to argument whenever they tried to treat a man of the prairies as himself like an idiot. Because Bry didn’t have a degree but he was more educated about politics, economics, and world events than 99% of people I’ve met. And since the Germans, especially the lawyer, loved using facts and arguments to talk down to people they couldn’t fall back on misinformation or alternate facts whenever Bryon cornered them.
***
Anyway, one day the Germans came in and were more obnoxious than usual. It got to the point the waitress refused to serve them so Bryon took over. Bry always had his employees’ back, even the bad ones, so he decided to teach the ‘Good Germans’ a lesson. He waited until the conversation turned to war, most likely about one of the constant conflicts that pop up then down in the Middle East, like a deadly game of whac-a-mole. Would it surprise you to know that proud, old, intolerant Germans had nothing kind to say about Israel or Jewish people? Yah… again some people never learn from their history, even if their nation initiated the holocaust.
But Bryon played along and listened until an opportune moment arrived to switch the conversation to World War II. Would it surprise you to know that proud, old, but subconscious Germans suddenly became more cautious and less opinionated. They never defended the Nazis outright, spat out conspiracy theories, or even claimed the war had been forced on Germany (my favourite pro-Nazi bullshit lie). But there was the usual crap about Dresden, Hamburg, or Soviet atrocities against German women Nazi-apologists always fall back on. Thankfully, Bryon countered with a comprehensive account of Nazi crimes and when the lawyer became indignant Bry reminded him the Nazis documented everything… just like his profession does!
I’m sure Bryon enjoyed every minute of it but I know he listed everything in a calm, detached, even polite manner, giving the group no excuse to be offended. Eventually, the lawyer tried changing the subject and started talking about his family. This allowed Bryon to pivot brilliantly and finish his encirclement. And just like at Stalingrad the old Germans wouldn’t escape the subsequent massacre.
Once the lawyer stopped talking about his family Bryon asked the group, point-blank, “what did you fathers do in the war… they were the right age to fight right, they were in Germany at the time… weren’t they.” They were indeed, as Bryon knew since they’d all proudly talked about the names, ages, and careers of their fathers (though the years 1939-1945 had been mysteriously omitted). It was then the ‘Good Germans’ lived up their nickname.
At least one admitted his father fought in the German Navy, which to be fair committed far less warcrimes than other branches. Another claimed his dad was a bureaucrat but never specified where (because there’s a difference between working at a ball bearing factory and being stationed at Auschwitz). I can’t remember what the rest of their fathers supposedly did but I doubt Bryon was told they joined the SS, sang Panzerlied while driving Tiger Tanks, and executed jews or Soviet prisoners of war.
***
Eventually, Bryon finished grilling the patriotic Germans about their proud fathers and they were visibly relieved. But then one of them, fatally, asked what Bry’s family did in the war. This was exactly what Bryon was waiting for and he unleashed his coup de grâce with humour and enthusiasm.
“Everyone in my family who could volunteered,” Bryon bragged and then listed them one by one, what fronts they served on, the battles they helped win, etc. “They were very good at killing Nazis,” he finished with a loud, confident laugh. Apparently, the ‘Good Germans’ didn’t find it funny and for once they had nothing to say. Because unlike them Bryon didn’t have to lie about what his family did in the war and could feel justly proud of what they did in the years 1939-1945.
The old Germans never came back to Bryon’s bar. Fuck… I wish I’d been there!